Tuesday, 13 September 2011

The Moonwalk Theory

I always wanted to be an explorer, but it seemed I was doomed to be nothing more than a very silly person.

Genuine moonwalking, Apollo 11 style, is admittedly incredibly cool. But unless you're American or Russian (and, oh yeah, an astronaut) bona fide moonwalking is an achievement way beyond our imaginations. However, thanks to Mr Jackson, The Moonwalk is almost as impressive. True, it is a feat beyond the capability of millions, but if you can slide backwards across lino you'll be a crowd pleaser. It doesn't matter who you are, where you're from, (what you did), performing the moonwalk will always inspire a smile. And that's important! Wouldn't it be lovely if everyone's mission everyday was to make at least one person smile..

The Moonwalk Theory was actually inspired by my Grandad Stedman, who likes to make his lovely German osteopath smile by moonwalking for her. He's scraping eighty, and I'm not even convinced he can actually do it. It's the thought that counts. I've actually been working on my moonwalk for the past million years or so, and it seems that I've almost got it. Only problem is is that I can't do it without also doing a 'Wow, I'm constipated' facial expression. Again, it's the thought that counts.

"So what is the Moonwalk Theory?" I hear you whisper into your computer screen. What a good question (you should probably ask me that though; your TFT-LCD monitor is unlikely to know). It's simply the idea that by doing so-called "silly" things, we can make people smile. You must have been there, when the opportunity to make an arse of yourself came up and you bailed. I once refused a dare to rub round an angry colleague like a cat. In retrospect, I probably should have gone for it, as chances are, they might just have found it funny. Or they could have Spartan kicked me for being a moron. Got to risk it for a biscuit.

Next time the opportunity arises to do something a little bit foolish, go for it! Sing at karaoke, share the cracker joke, and of course, whack out a moonwalk. And always remember, sheer enthusiasm will make up for any potential lack of talent.

Emily Jane sings Like a Virgin. Badly. Loudly.
I don't have three arms; the extra arm on the right is actually that of a passing lesbian, who ambushed me half way through my performance. Excellent!

Friday, 9 September 2011

Love from Life

You can't legislate intelligence and common sense into people.

The longest battle waged in the history of time, that has lasted the entire length of human existence, has been the war of


Among our Neanderthal predecessors, common sense was coming out on top every time. They couldn't find the length of the hypotenuse, but they had figured out that hitting passing animals with rocks made for tasty meals.
Intelligence 0 Common Sense 1.
Fortunately for people like me, society has developed, and it's no longer a pre-requisite for me to know how to start a fire using two sticks and my imagination. Kudos to Mr Blaisdell for inventing the Zippo lighter.

School teaches us many things, and I'll put my hand up and be the first to admit to being a big fan of education. However, I also have to admit that, throughout my lifetime, events have occurred that no amount of "AMO AMAS AMAT" chanting has helped with. These are the common sense requirements, personal battles that we face every day that schools across the globe didn't deem worth mentioning.

Why won't this toilet flush?
How do I use this confusing kitchen utensil?
Should I shout at this random man?

I think I love learning these lessons even more than learning about Napoleon. So here are some things I've learnt along the way. I hope this information comes to you before it's too late.

Dear Emily,

Here's a lesson.

Love from Life.